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Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
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Friday, October 7th, 2005
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you grow up believing that the people who you befriend at a tender age, will always remain by your side. the ones who you play in the sandbox with and stand in line with to play handball. you walk in hand in hand into the bathrooms because some stupid kid decided to spread rumors that the restrooms were forever haunted, because they just happened to chant "bloody mary" three times so now you're cursed forever, so for safety you came in pairs to pee. maybe thats why, at the age of 20- girls STILL insist to go to the restroom in a flock. maybe after all these years, we never really do lose sight of what was because for some reason- we still hold on to the childlike fantasy of ours. that things will always be okay as long as we have our family&friends to hold our hands and squeeze it when times get tough.
im not so sure about the sandbox friendships anymore, but i sure am positive about the beauty of friendships. at this point, longevity doesent seem to be the key factor to rule out who my best friends are. its the one who has been there the last few months. the ones who just kept believing in me when even when the phone calls were nonexistant. the ones who kept me in their prayers and in their hearts when i couldnt seem to find time to be a physical presence. the ones who stuck with me when the rumor mill decided to rear its ugly head directly towards me, and had no doubt that they were just that- rumors. the ones who never needed any convincing because, in your heart- you just had faith in me.
ive been blessed with the best support system.
thank you guys.
GOD BLESS.
Praise GOD for people like you.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
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scream at the world. it wont change what has happened, but damn it feels good. cry and you wont get her back, but damn its the only thing left i can do. my actions are powerless against the angel of death. it sweeps in without caution, ready to claim whoever is written on the list and yet we're not affected or even concerned til the list hits close to him. funny how then, the world should stop and take notice. all the other casualties in the past few years seem so distant to this one, because this time.. this time. it means something. this time.. its taken one of your very own. and GOD, it hurts like hell- even though ive never even come close to lucifer's realm.
visit me in my dreams and let me say my final goodbye. maybe then, ill be able to heal and start to breathe again. because i stopped you know. stopped breathing since i found out you were gone.
my heart is tired of crying behind closed doors. i dont cry out in the open, for they tell me im the strong one. the one whos gonna keep fulfilling her dreams despite the trials. but im tired, and my heart is growing weary of pretending. they say to put on a smile on my face for the visitors who send their condolences through sealed envelopes, and i reply with a conditioned yes. because thats all ive been doing the past few days. doing everything everyone expects me to do. following orders & keeping my composure. because GOD knows we cant see each other's tears or else we all start crying again..
im not complaining. in fact, i invite it all. it keeps me occupied because sitting down and staring at the wall only brings me a feeling of regret. regret that i never visited you when i should have in the summer- like i told you i would. regret that i never was home when my mom would make that phone call to the phillipines just so she could hear your voice. regret that im sorta kinda angry at you for leaving me. regret that im sorta kinda angry at you for not letting me say goodbye at least. regret that i even feel this way cause im only thinking about my pain- how FUCKING SELFISH!
yes im selfish. because i miss you. i probably always will. but GOD said it was your time and though im still struggling with that idea, its not my place to question it. because one day, in hindsight- ill probably understand. and one day, ill probably be able to stop holding on to my own breath and let you go so that one day, i can inhale again. inhale the life that the same GOD has given me. and finally exhale the pain because i can still hold on to you, without holding on to the pain.
i miss you ina. i love you.
Natalia Tolentino (8.02.1919-9.14.2005)
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Sharing is Caring: 5 enlighteners - enlighten me please.
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death has a strange way of bringing out all emotions. some find comfort in the reunions and converations that start with "remember when.." others trail behind the idea that grieving should be done in private and instead of appreciating life, sink deep into some sort of depression. others remain calm and collected, and somehow reflect the notion that showing no emotion will be easier. the more you avoid, the more reality seems farther away. we all deal differently. reactions vary and so does the healing process. they had this book at this service i went to this weekend. the steps to deal with death. funny how i just wanted to laugh. because theres no process set in stone that makes the healing process easier to deal with. it's death. i think our heart is always set on its own time. when its ready to grieve. itll grieve. when its ready to cry. itll cry. when its ready to be angry at the world. itll be angry. and when its finally time to let go. itll let go. lets hope for my sake, ill be willing to let go. ill miss you ina. you were more than a grandma to me. you were like my second mom. i love you.
Natalia Tolentino
08.02.1919-09.14.05
another guardian angel i can count on
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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Sunday, September 11th, 2005
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Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
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our culture thrives on pronouns. he, she, they instead of designating them by name like kyle or leila. maybe somehow its a way of detachment, because if we make it personal- then we start to care. and GOD FORBID we do. i mean how often do we say the person who has has no home versus "the homeless" calling them homeless helps us detach ourselves to the idea that they are actually human beings. the more distant the idea, the easier it gets to simply set it aside. we're not horrible, just conditioned. hurricane katrina destroyed thousands of lives and some people are saying that they cant watch tv because "it makes them depressed" so if thats the case- do we not watch at all? and not to say, lets make our own lives miserable so we can feel their pain because whats the point of that? but if we can do something, we should. and by all means, lets not call them refugees. its always been the little things that matter anyway. God bless.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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Thursday, August 25th, 2005
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yesterday was the strangest day. a movie was the first thing on my mind, and that was the farthest thing i did. christopher took me to don's house for the last day of his novena. prayers were said and memories relived, it was obvious he was well-loved. sad how now that we're experiencing the REAL WORLD where people pass away and cramming the day before the final isnt enough to learn anything, the more people are starting to forget the basics of life.
the irony. its like we're playing one BIG telephone game that i dont even wanna be a part of. so fcuk the bullshit.
what are we really doing with our lives? what am i?
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
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foolish of me to belittle my blessings.
i hear myself saying this often, but my words hold meaning when its said. last week, i made this decision to change & rearrange many aspects of my life. cutting things as well as preserving things. people have shown their true colors this summer- and whether their intention was to hurt me or not, there was definitely pain. and im not naive to believe it was one-sided because life isnt mounted on the idea of a one-man world...so i am well aware that if anything were to be gained from all this it would probably be only to have a better & clearer perspective... people will come & go, and GOD only knows that some leave a deeper mark than others- although they may not always be the best of marks, they still are marks. and so this is how it is.
im not the first person to get hurt, nor will i be the last. life is a culmunation of many graces & blessings and more often that not, to our dismay, the blessings come in disguises. so i may not see so clearly the reason of all this YET, but one day i will. and so now i will continue to thank GOD for the past, the present & definitely for the future.... for my life and your life as well. GOD BLESS.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
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"With every pain caused by you, the closer I get to a place where you can no longer hurt me." -Unknown
Beverly Hills 90210 [before OC & Laguna Beach]
Clare Arnold: I don't get you. You have everything going for you. The looks, the clothes, the attitude, you run a nightclub, you can practically have any guy on the West Side you want. Why of all the guys in this city, did you have to go after the one that Donna Martin is in love with?
Valerie Malone: (feigning innocence) What? You don't believe me?
Clare Arnold: No, I don't! But obviously, you believe you. I guess that's how you can stand being yourself.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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days have been real niceee. fast, but great. from the crazy surprise visit at 12am on my bday, to the endless amounts of partying- turning 20 has been a great ride. not to mention, very random with strippers & flyers & the "waxmunkiez" party & yah. not fond of birthdays- or more like celebrating my very own, but its always a good excuse to be around the people you cherish, not that there really should be an excuse to get everyone together but yeah. if birthdays get the loved ones together, then may we all have many MORE bdays to come. my family is great and so are my friends. i dont understand why people put "true" before "friends" because naturally all people you call friends are true. its only automatic, right? everyone else should just be called acquaintances or people- [i.e random fcuks on myspace]. the word friendship is thrown around lightly nowadays, like it holds no value. maybe thats why it seems so much easier to fcuk up on each other. whatever the case is, i have great people in my life. so cheers to you. and you. and you. & definitely you. everyone else- wellllll, i bet you are a great friend to other kids so cheers to you as well. just because.
this week has been nonstop studying for my last final. stupid calc exam nearly killed me. i knew knew i had the will to study that long and that hard. then orientation which lasted the whole day which was kinda stupid considering most of the time i was a loner walking around doing absolutely nothing but being lost & sweaty & hungry. that campus is a joke, geez. they're lying to u when they say "university" of los angeles. my ass, what they are really tryin to say is the "CITY" of los angeles. goshdamn, that place is huge. i saw students using skateboards & scooters. hello no. ima buy a bike. scooters will wear me out and skateboards? ya right, like i wanna kill myself. so its a done deal, ima buy a bike with a cute basket & a horn. cute basket for my books & horn so i can warn any pedestrians i might trample on.
orientation was the only day ive been excited about goin to school. now im back to my apathetic stage. or maybe im just tryin to hide that im SCARED moving & going to school other than valley college. that campus, i literally could walk back & forth.. in like 15 minute which isnt very big considering i walk verry verrry slow. so. hmm. one more month of partying & buuullshit til the dreaded/fun day when school starts.
im sad that some people are moving back to where they go to school at. in a fairytale world, i would have all of us go to the same school & live close enough to each other that we could walk or at least take our bikes to each others place. hell no, id have us living with each other cause half of them, id prollie end up shooting. so yah. but it would be nice to be around the people i love more. life is too precious to be wasting it on frivolous things. which also means ima need to start cutting things from my life that i dont necessarily need.
so heres to cutting & preserving the best that life has to offer.
k, GOD BLESS.
funny thing about faith. i USE to think of it in amounts like either you have a lot of it or very little. ive recently changed my perspective on it. its really this- you either have it or you dont.
have it.
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Sharing is Caring: 2 enlighteners - enlighten me please.
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Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
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Friday, August 12th, 2005
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blame it on sex&thecity but i feel like thinking out loud. maybe its cause i been watching the reruns on tbs for the last few months, and i felt like being carrie. u know. the familiar scene where she opens the storyline by typing away on her notebook and ends the scene with her typing her last statements gets to me each time. shut up, i know it gives u the same feeling. lol.. her articles are always well thought out just because it so happens she tends to experience them when she thinks about them. eh well ya, cut to the chase. whats up with this whole unrequited love thing? is it really love if its not reciprocated? i mean whats the point of it all if the other person doesent feel the same way? and please dont say some bullshit saying like "oh its for the lesson" and "feelin of experience" cause thats just some way of trying to comfort someone in their distraught state. right? not to say i dont believe in learning life lessons & all but sometimes i think most people just say these fabricated conditioned reasons whenever their friends are in some sort of stupor- some sad rejected state & you feel the need to say something, anything...or am i just wrong to think that love should be this blissful stage in which two hearts find each other. eh. whtvr. or like "you are the other whole that makes me complete" kinda shit [i changed the half to whole cause i have this whole thing agaisnt being each others half just cause I KNOW FOR DAMN SURE i aint half of myself] but yah, because id hate to think that we have to play this game of playing both roles, you know- being heartbroken & heartbrokee until we finally get it right, and finally get to be matched with the "one" just so we can ultimately feel BOTH in the end. like why all the trouble if ultimately were gonna end up feeling both roles in one relationship when we finally do fall "in" love. eh maybe im just bitter cause i have to be the victim- the heartbroken, which means my time is up to be hurt. eh fcuk. not cool. in any case, im not makin much sense. i dont think anyone else ever does when you talk about love. which brings me to the obvious reason why us girls need to STOP talk about being in love and writing about it on our xangas & shit just because love should be felt & not something we formulate in our minds. is this gonna stop the masses of the world? no not really. but its okay, its not for them. it was more of a personal reminder, and a little bit for YOU too, that love takes on many forms. reciprocal or not, there is no one answer. and thats the beauty of it. so rant&rave all you want, but leave it at the door when ur done. because after all is said & done.. love needs to be felt and if youre too busy analyzing, a good thing might just pass you by...
okay thats all.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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Thursday, August 11th, 2005
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last nite, after work. i found myself driving. not knowing where i was going, i stepped on the gas and went and almost naturally i found myself outside of the gates of the church. not inside, but parked close enough where you can see the front of the church where the cross is visible. u know the cross you see before you quickly do the sign of the cross almost automatically as a sign of reverence- well ya, that cross. i sat there, having doubts of goin in so i just sat in my car. music low, thoughts loud- i sat. time didnt matter then, so i cant tell you how long i was there. it could have been a minute or maybe even an hour-whatever the case was i was there. feeling too guilty to go inside, i sat there. in my car, hoping, maybe waiting for some sort of sign almost.. i really dont know.
the last few weeks have been going by rather quickly that i cant even pinpoint one day where i actually prayed. sure i pray every night before going to sleep, but i mean really pray. pray so hard that i feel like someone is actually listening pray. pray so hard that i actually think im being heard pray. pray so hard that i actually say something meaningful other than the mechanical prayers like our father & hail mary pray. pray so hard that it actually means something to me pray. i miss that.
being caught up in these worldly matters is my fault. no one elses.
im done with letting these situations get to me. its been great venting & saying all these fcukYOU&fcukOFFS- because it seemed so liberating at first...but its all so temporary, because at the end of the day, i still felt bad. still felt hurt. still felt like i was in some sort of a permanent personal entrapment that i quite couldnt get out of or at least wasnt ready to give up. and i even FELT MORE STUPID than i ultimately started out with for lowering myself for a MOMENTS FEELING... letting go means really letting go, emotion & behavior..
so goodbye, so long, farewell. im tired of playing a role i should have never even found the script for. sure, its easier. i mean all i had to do was play your part- bitch. but id rather not. it just makes me a person ive never wanted to be & never even should be.
so heres to the good things that life has to offer.
i live for a few hearts & one GOD.
so if you ever see my car as you pass the church on the way to work & school. just know that ill be inside this time. because its been way too long.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
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easily as you threw me baggage i was not responsible for, easily i dumped it somewhere foreign to others but familiar to me, so it could slowly decompose. i was never really sure of what it would eventually transform into, but i did it anyway. i did it for you. for him. for her. and for what seemed like eternity to me, for everyone but myself. this was the process, renacted over & over. and over.
stupid of me not to figure out what would come of all this. dig deep enough and often enough, and after awhile there are no more holes you can crawl into. im filled up to capacity with YOUR SHIT, time is up. weelll, at least for you.
the truth is bound to come up one way or another. there will always be curious people for the sake of being curious. there will always be reporters trying to find ways to get answers to their 21 questions. and there will always be archaeologist, ready to keep digging and finding bones. in this case, its your skeletons that they will eventually find.. with all the holes you've dug yourself into, its only a given. and as much as you are trying to keep your secrets buried, someones eventually going to catch you. and if you keep running, your feet will inevitably become tired... its gonna come out. its either now or later, but you will be caught. not by me, AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASSUME, but by the mere fact that you are a liar. and liars, well they never prosper. didnt know you that?
oh, and i never quite figured out what what happens to the "trash" when its all decomposed. but one thing i learned from this experience is that decomposed or not, transformed or not, dug deep enough or not, its still shit. it will ALWAYS be shit. and even you cant hide that.
sorry. this is mean entry. ill balance it off with a nice one later.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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Saturday, August 6th, 2005
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goin home today, i was looking forward to seeing someone holding up a sign that read "i told you so." not that it would make me feel any better, but at least i can get a kick out of my stupidity. i need a good laugh. laugh at me or with me. it doesent really matter anymore. you dont really matter anymore.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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random thoughts.
- some PEOPLE need to get off their high horse and really STOP thinking that the sun rises & sets on their ass. you see, in most cases i dont really give a shit what other people do but when you bring me into it, oh now thats some crazy talk..its not cute & obviously its irritating the hell out of me cause for some unknown reason, they actually THINK that their daily drama is my top priority. at the expense of sounding like a heartless bitch, IT ISNT! and you see, i CAN be sympathetic but not when your complaining about FUTILE & CHILDISH things. childlike- i can deal. CHILDISH- i wont. gosh, shut up and stop using the VICTIM card. its pathetic really.. theres other things goin on in this world such as poverty, non-curable diseases, no exit plan for iraq, etc and all i hear are complaints about how you have the worst life ever ... are people really that self-centered? shit. PLEASE get over yourself.
- "i dont hate you anymore"
my response: uh, thanks?
- movies i want to watch: bad news bears, four brothers, and obviously.. the 40 year old virgin.
- school starts at the end of september. i can see it now, vienna sausage & cornbeef is how im going to survive.
- im gettin meaner everyday. at the rate im going, ill be like superbitch in a couple of months. lol. some GUYS are so stupid. i know im being repetitive, but shit. its true. somedays, even i get surprised. and thats pretty sad considering that ive seen some extreme crap over the years.
- i like how when someone actually has a opinion - they're judgemental
- i like how when someone doesen't take shit from anyone - they're automatically a bitch.
- i like how nowadays loyalty has become a synonymous with lying
- i like how life has become like a big telephone game.
- crazy talk is just that. CRAZY.
- i hope my roomie and i get along so we can have sleepovers & have all-nighters together. and we can walk together to class and walk around campus so we could pick out random boys who will take us out to lunch for the day since we're both goin to be struggling, BROKE, college students. and you see, as mean as i have been in the entry.. i still have some optimism left in me. the one who secretly believes in fairytale endings. the happily-ever-kinda-shit. ya that. so bitches have a good day. this is my last of venting for the day. morrie from tuesdays with morrie says to limit yourself with the whole negativity bit. so. theres the limit. bye.
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Sharing is Caring: 5 enlighteners - enlighten me please.
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Thursday, July 28th, 2005
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we're already at august. kids are going back to school already and i havent even completed half of my list of what to dos for the summer and its almost over. sad trip homie.
just came back from a reunion dinner with 3 of my jrhigh/highschool friends & my favorite teacher in the whole wide world. we were all smiles talking about our present & our future, and how much weve grown from our highschool ways. ha gosh, walking down memory lane is great especially if you do it w/the people who you shared the memories with. its reassuring to know that in the end, it really will be okay. gosh all those late nights in highschool being stressed about my future makes me laugh now. lol. because i think im turning out okay. i think eventually everyone does. and thats what i gotta remember on those bad days when everything seems to get me down. because HONESTLY, things always end up working out in some twisted way.
it was funny because before meeting up with my friends & teacher, i was nervous for some reason. because this is the teacher who inspired me to follow my dreams. and encouraged me to believe BECAUSE he really believed in me. and these were the friends who always told me that i was such a positive influence in their life and yet everything they use to love about me, i thought i lost. i mean, dont get me wrong. i dont think im evil but just...different. these past two years added a chip on my shoulder i never once had in highschool. these past two years have made me a lil more guarded and a lil less optimistic than they're use to.. these past two years has changed me. not necessarily all bad, but not necessarily all good either..
walking into cheesecake factory, i didnt know how they would react to me. i just didnt wanna disappoint them. thinking back to how things use to be made me realize how much i missed a lot of my own self. strange how much i envied who i use to be, well at least some aspects of me.
maybe im a little tougher than i use to be, a lil harder around the edges... and maybe i get more easily discouraged when it comes to pursuing my dreams, and hit more lows than i would like.. but one things for sure...being with some of my favorite people today has made me remember that yes, there is still goodness in this world. and yes, life can get pretty hard at times, but its okay cause itll all end up working out. it always has & it always will.
thanks mr. woods.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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girls are so pathetic. they like to disappear into thin air when they find some guy in their life until the jerk decides to break up with them, and then ring ring. phone call to freda. its like the thing to do or something..gosh.
stranger: hey.
freda: hey.
stranger: so, ___ broke up with me. Let's hang out.
AT LEAST be slick about using people. like i dont know, maybe a "heyyy how are you" somewhere in the introduction? that would kinda be nice considering we havent spoken for months or maybe even a whole year & then some.
now see, i CAN be sympathetic..i HAVE been the last 30-40 times but in cases when this is a repetitive cycle & you have the audacity to accuse ME of not being a good friend when YOU chose to drop me.....seriously its just not cute anymore. i dont know bout you, but i can only take so much.. or maybe im just growing a lil bit colder & bitchier as the days go by, but gosh, its getting reallllly hard letting people in your life anymore..
oh and by the way. NEVER stay with a guy that hits you.
MY ASSSSS he loves you.
my vent for the day.
goodbye.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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Thursday, July 21st, 2005
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i was watchin laguna beach a few days ago and those oc kids went on a camping trip and on the top of the list of what worried them the most was that they would be eaten by a bear. funny how thats the least of our worries. unfortunately for us, we have different shit to attend to like how the idea of heat+alcohol and its crazy effects scare the shit out of me. oh well.
we're camping ya'all.
pray for us.
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
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Summer romances end for all kinds of reason. But, when all is said and done, they have one thing in common - they are shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity and in a flash they are gone.
-notebook
i wonder if they're ever really really gone..
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Sharing is Caring: enlighten me please.
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himynameisfreda's journal
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